Okay, the election is over, and I won. It was a huge win, and I beat Hillary badly. Now I'm the president.
Yes, it was a nasty campaign, but that's business. That's what you do when you want to win something as big as the presidency. Like in any business negotiation, the truth isn't important. Winning is the only thing that matters. You say what you have to say, you pretend to care about things you don't, and you accuse the other guy of lying, stealing, or whatever it takes to win.
So now that I won, and let me say it was an enormous win. Huger than anyone could have imagined. And, by the way, thank goodness we have an Electoral College because it was their votes that really counted for me to win the presidency, because as we know now, I lost the popular vote, by a lot, like a million votes to Hillary. By the way, I know this is the same electoral college that I called rigged before I won, but that was just more rhetoric during the campaign. I don't even really know what the electoral college is or does. That's okay. I won.
Now that I'm president, I want to clarify a few of the things I talked about during my campaign. These are some of the things you liked enough, or cared enough about, to vote for me, so it worked. You believed me. But now that I'm in, and the ink is dry as the say in business, it's time for the truth.
That wall between the UInited States and Mexico ? Still a great idea...but the truth is when I was in Mexico, the president there told me there was no way Mexico was going to pay for it. I didn't want to tell you that because I didn't want you to be disappointed. Maybe we'll go with a better fence for now. Sorry.
Getting rid of ISIS ? Look, I know ISIS isn't sitting around someplace where we can just go in and drop a bomb and wipe them out. They're in lots of different places. I know that, because if you remember, I know more than the generals. So the truth is I'm not going to wipe out ISIS. I'll let ouI don't like the results. I'm good at that. Sorry.
Bringing jobs back to America ? Look, every candidate in every election always promises that. It's smart, and I'm really smart. It's an effective way to get votes. The truth is a lot of those jobs that have disappeared didn't go to other countries, they went to other cities in America. They went to cities where technology and alternate energy is the new job creator. They're jobs at companies that design, not manufacture. There's no way we can compete with China and Mexico on jobs where they pay their workers a quarter of what we do. It just won't work. Sorry.
Indicting Hillary Clinton for her "crimes" ? You know that old "Lock Her Up" chant that I used during the campaign ? Well, the truth is, she's a pretty intelligent woman. She worked hard during the campaign, and I admire that. I also respect her 30 years in public service, even though I pretended I didn't during the campaign. Like I said earlier, it's just business. I actually like her and Bill, so I'm not going to move forward on that indictment thing. It's not really a priority or even that important. Sorry.
One last thing, That "Drain The Swamp" thing I was going on about, where I said I'd get rid of the old establishment in Washington, the elites, the insiders ? I'm working on figuring out exactly who they are. In the meantime, I've appointed Reince Priebus as my chief of staff. He told me he wasn't one of them.
Anyway, that's it for now. I'll keep you posted as things move along. Keep checking my Twitter feed for all the latest, especially the ones I tweet in the middle of the night. That's really me.